After dealing with the nerves of ordering a glass of red wine for myself, and then battling my internal social issues to make my way through the bar to take a seat by myself, I’m now in a safe place. Sat, on my phone, drinking wine. Not making human interaction. As alone as I would be at home, but more romantic I guess. I just came out of the cinema, I went to see La La Land, alone. It was beautiful, and I cried most of the way through. I always cry at movies. I cry at the beautiful things just as much as the sad things. Get a whole cast singing & dancing, jumping off cars in sync, and that’s me, crying, alone at the back of the theatre. La La Land was a sad story. I was expecting to be uplifted, but instead it reminded me of my own struggle as an artist, and my own struggle in love. I related to Mia (Emma Stone’s character). I always relate to the female characters. There’s very few films in which I’ve related to the male character. It’s odd. I guess I’m quite vulnerable in love and life, and maybe that’s why I find a connection more easily with the female hero in a movie. I’ve always connected to women more. May have something to do with having 3 sisters, and a mother who wears the trousers. My dad is wonderful, he’s caring and understanding, but he’s gentle. I guess I’ve never had a man in my life that is vulgar or aggressive like the ones you see in the movies. I’ve always had girl friends, more than guy friends. I just find the female species easier to understand. Which maybe is why none of my relationships work as a gay man. Hmmm. I just finished my red wine. Now I’m wondering whether to buy another glass or go home. Fuck it. I’ll get another glass. I don’t really have any gay male friends either. I find alpha males really difficult, maybe because I am one myself? I wish I could connect better with more gay men. I just often find the lines blur too often between sex and friendship, and then I never know where I’m at. I’m shy, but I’m opinionated. I’ll be silent at a party until my ears perk up when I hear a topic of conversation or something that I feel compelled to comment on, and then that’s usually where people get their opinion of me. Aloof, opinionated and arrogant. When really I’m funny, a little mischievous, and quite melancholic. Hence why I’m sat alone drinking red wine in a bar after going to the cinema, also alone. I don’t know if I’m odd, but sometimes these blue & lonely days can be delicious if you just allow yourself to indulge and romanticise your own life. Life is but a story, and you’re in the driving seat. It can be as glorious as you want it to be, in both it’s darkness and it’s grandeur, you just have to really start experiencing what it feels like to live in that moment.