And with that I blocked him.
His arms drenched around his lover.
I couldn’t stand it.
Did I even want him? Not really, but to know that I was just a spice in the dish & not the meat, was too much to handle.
Being back in Berlin concentrated my feelings.
They radiated through me.
Why did I feel so strongly?
I’d been around the world & returned to my beloved Berlin.
I’d spent the day with him.
I knew I wasn’t welcome tonight but I’d invited myself.
I was in the routine of going out, attending events, meeting people. I thought it would be easy.
I didn’t know he would be with him.
I didn’t know I was just a player in his day.
I wasn’t someone for him to give affection to. Just a passerby.
He sought love in this man, and I was a bonus.
I stood upon my own two feet and breathed in my own intimate space. I drank alone, and allowed him to live his reality while I absorbed mine.
The soaked taste of lager saturated my mouth, while my eyes took in the sights of lovers past and future. Pictures from Grindr walking across the room.
I couldn’t do this.
‘Are you not watching the performance?’ He says as he sits next to me.
Catches me off guard writing this.
I lie, say I’m working.
Wishing to be anywhere but here.
I walked away. Bought more booze.
God this party is insufferable.
Full of millennial activists believing they’re doing everything they can to make the world a better place. The lols.
A ‘safe space’ in which I’ve been sexually assaulted about 3 times since I arrived.
A stage to promote mediocrity disguised by a rainbow flag.
I shouldn’t be here. My mind works differently.
I should be anywhere but here. Reading, writing, painting. Anything.
Not here. Not dealing with another millennial telling me how I should behave or feel.