another day in 2019

And with that I blocked him. His arms drenched around his lover. I couldn’t stand it. Did I even want him? Not really, but to know that I was just a spice in the dish & not the meat, was too much to handle. Being back in Berlin concentrated my feelings. They radiated through me.…

Am I Cool Yet?

I’m not cool. Never have been, never will be. I try my best, really. I’ve tried my whole life to be cool actually. I was definitely not cool at school. Quite the opposite. I was always doing things to try and make myself cooler. Buying things that maybe didn’t suit me, or using things that…

When you get inside

The bass was palpable, vibrating through my body. Every cell could feel the music. It was absolutely indescribable. I could pick out every percussion & melody. It was running through me. I was hallucinating & dreaming, standing up. I was asleep I think. Occasionally I would open my eyes and I’d moved but hadn’t realised.…

Battleships

I fell to my knees wearing nothing but a fig leaf hysterically sobbing. The tears were unfathomable and I couldn’t catch my breath. Someone I’d met that evening had his hand on my back trying to console me. ‘He’s here, I told him not to come and he’s here’ I cried. I’d ran away from…

Circle Of Stones

As I mooched through the Athens tourist trap gift shops like a foreign stray, not differentiating myself much from the stray cats in the area, I felt hungry, lonely, and displaced. Finding food in a foreign city is an anxiety inducing sport for me. I usually fill the need for food with iced coffees, always…

My Grandfather Died

My grandfather died last week. The one from who I took the name Morris. Ken Morris was his name. I found out he died while I was in Miami. I woke up to a bunch of missed calls from my mother, and knew something was up. I called her back and got the obligatory death…

Bored

For the first time in my life I’m starting to feel bored. Bored of figuring things out. Bored of dating the same impossible men. Bored of making new friends. Bored of hearing the same shit from my family. Bored of food. Bored of the seasons. Bored of getting dressed. It’s all become a bore. Is…

Acting My Age

It started off as a bit of fun. A quirk, not a red flag. He would pull down my trousers, and my underwear, then mockingly inspect my dick. He would pull back my foreskin, bring his nose very close to my dick, and would let me know if it smelt. I found it a little…

Romance & my reality

This evening was like looking into a window of someone else’s life. I was playing the part. I went with the events, and exaggerated my involvement. I baked homemade blueberry bread in the day, and bought ingredients to cook dinner for later. I deep cleaned my apartment and bought new candles. I even bought him…

Where’s Your Smile?

Today I have it all. Theoretically. Today I should feel like the guy who has it all. I’m financially comfortable, my business is successful & I’ve created a name for myself. This week I had a bunch of medical tests & scans which all came back negative. I spent the entire weekend in the arms…