We

We are but just the young’uns Small paws in the craters of old History paid for our stories And we frivolously spend our gold We erase our fathers & mentors The arrogant insolence of youth The path that we walk on before us We rebuild with a fraction of truth We criticise, tarnish and blame…

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Inspiration

Walking the line between feeling inspired & downtrodden is a fine tightrope walk. With inspiration has to come acknowledgement of where we want to go and where we haven’t yet been. A reflection of oneself in comparison to the thing we’re inspired by, and the transferral of ideas into our reality. For me, feeling inspired…

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another day in 2019

And with that I blocked him. His arms drenched around his lover. I couldn’t stand it. Did I even want him? Not really, but to know that I was just a spice in the dish & not the meat, was too much to handle. Being back in Berlin concentrated my feelings. They radiated through me.…

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Am I Cool Yet?

I’m not cool. Never have been, never will be. I try my best, really. I’ve tried my whole life to be cool actually. I was definitely not cool at school. Quite the opposite. I was always doing things to try and make myself cooler. Buying things that maybe didn’t suit me, or using things that…

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When you get inside

The bass was palpable, vibrating through my body. Every cell could feel the music. It was absolutely indescribable. I could pick out every percussion & melody. It was running through me. I was hallucinating & dreaming, standing up. I was asleep I think. Occasionally I would open my eyes and I’d moved but hadn’t realised.…

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Battleships

I fell to my knees wearing nothing but a fig leaf hysterically sobbing. The tears were unfathomable and I couldn’t catch my breath. Someone I’d met that evening had his hand on my back trying to console me. ‘He’s here, I told him not to come and he’s here’ I cried. I’d ran away from…

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Circle Of Stones

As I mooched through the Athens tourist trap gift shops like a foreign stray, not differentiating myself much from the stray cats in the area, I felt hungry, lonely, and displaced. Finding food in a foreign city is an anxiety inducing sport for me. I usually fill the need for food with iced coffees, always…

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Bored

For the first time in my life I’m starting to feel bored. Bored of figuring things out. Bored of dating the same impossible men. Bored of making new friends. Bored of hearing the same shit from my family. Bored of food. Bored of the seasons. Bored of getting dressed. It’s all become a bore. Is…

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Romance & my reality

This evening was like looking into a window of someone else’s life. I was playing the part. I went with the events, and exaggerated my involvement. I baked homemade blueberry bread in the day, and bought ingredients to cook dinner for later. I deep cleaned my apartment and bought new candles. I even bought him…

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fuck it

I’ve cried everyday for the last month. I’m fucking exhausted. Thinking about him, thinking about us. Thinking about what could’ve been. Thinking about what was. Questioning his motives. Questioning mine. Facing the fear that nobody will ever truly love me for me because I’ll never reach the unattainable goal of being the person I’ve created…

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Transient Love

I miss you so much And we haven’t yet met My patterns laid out I know what to expect The last one was proof Of this horrible truth That living with love Is less likely than loss He was beauty & kindness enjoyed with a blindness To obvious outcomes I ignored with inertness So I…

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Copenhagen

Copenhagen   His face, held in my hands. Nose to nose. His eyes so close. The warmth I feel, my heart stands still, and my head,  for just a moment. As if nothing exists, just him and I, a breath between us. His smile. Just slight. It’s bright and yet it fills me with a…

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The 8 Instructions

I’d just moved into my new accommodation after a last minute extended trip here in Berlin. It was the first time I’d been alone in a while so I sat down and opened Grindr. We all know those kind of nights. I got chatting to a few guys but overall nothing really took my fancy…

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The Shop Fire

I opened my emails to do the hourly ritual amongst friends of discreetly checking your updates incase anything important lies amongst the nonsense that might need your attention. I scroll through and come across an email from PayPal – ‘Your Account Has Been Limited’. My heart sunk and I started shaking. Everything around me blurred…

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The Show Must Go On

I feel a rare sense of relief when I am on the brink of being sacked from a job. I have a serious dislike for authority, and mixed into a cocktail with my anger for mistreatment, injustice, and generally bad organisation or unnecessary wasting of my time, and I’m like a Catherine Wheel at a…

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My New Friend, Liam

I got back to my hotel room after a really long day of rehearsals. I felt totally drained and mentally exhausted after a day of nonsensical tomfoolery you find on a rehearsal set for a commercial involving large groups of dancers. It all felt so pointless and wasteful, of money, talent, and time. I’d set…

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Some Days

Some days I think I’m a revolutionary. Some days I think I’m a failure. Some days I think I’m a genius, and some days I think I’m a dunce. Some days I yearn for the stage, while some days I hide in my bed. Some days I wish for stardom, and some days I wish…

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It’s Over

As I looked down at his face straining to squeeze all of my cock into his mouth, I knew it was over. I’d been seeing my ex on and off again for a while. We’d be going for dinner and hanging out, and it’d been really sweet, same as usual, tactile and loving. Same conversations,…

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The Weinstein Trigger

These recent Weinstein revelations had me thinking about sexual harassment, assault, and rape, and how it can happen so subtly that you don’t even realise it’s happening until it’s already too late to defend yourself. Women have had to deal with this treatment for centuries, it’s something I know most of the women in my…

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陰茎

My downfall My living My distraction’s not forgiving An existence I battle it’s my core that you rattle I live through your needs Your skin and your seeds an addiction I see In you and in me The choices I make I despair and I ache After you’ve partied And ate all the cake I’m…

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A Dancer

The future of an ex dancer is a blurry one. We slowly stop using the muscles that pushed the skeleton to deform itself, and when we stop using them the way we trained them to work, they atrophy, and the bones no longer have the support to hold the deformity. People see dancers as dreamers,…

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Real Life

Last night, shortly after I went to bed I woke up to horrendous stomach cramps. I was curled up in a ball on my bed wondering what drug I could take to ease the pain. I popped a couple of paracetamol, an omeprazole and even considered taking a tramadol. All respect for dignity went out…

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The Funny Affair

After arriving in Barcelona, to my beautiful apartment in Eixample, I was excited. Excited to see the city, visit the beach, taste the food, but mainly, taste the men. After a few days at my new place, a cute local boy offered to come over and make me food at my place. He introduced me…

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Unbeautiful

Never have I felt beautiful. I think the last time I truly ever believed that I was beautiful was when I was 12 years old. A picture of me smiling, happy, before I started puberty. The innocence of youth beaming in my face. I think I looked pretty. From there it seemed to go downhill,…

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Experiment

You see this? This is an experiment  All gaze on me To the detriment  Living in the lens  Is an element  Of the 80s  And the millennium  You can judge the things you see It’s a relationship between you & me Just know that I see the things that you see The judgement is a…

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Flaws

these flaws I call my own I recognise and often moan but never would I disown the things that always make me groan my fingers serve me well and I see the tree from which I fell, the poems on my hands to tell the stories of a little girl the smells on us we…

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Shower

Cold water running in my veins At least that’s what they say I run the heat to hide my face Re-energise the snails pace A coffee, love, can hold me dear But hot waters always running near A quiet trickle, sliding through My body’s always thanking you I feel it washing over me Through my…

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Mine

(feat. in the new film ‘Mine’ shown in the ‘art films’ members area) The valleys and the waterfalls The rivers and the lakes The rough parts and the smooth parts And the filling in the cakes I lick my lips and feel the surface The imperfections over For bits of me will drop & fall…

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La La Life

After dealing with the nerves of ordering a glass of red wine for myself, and then battling my internal social issues to make my way through the bar to take a seat by myself, I’m now in a safe place. Sat, on my phone, drinking wine. Not making human interaction. As alone as I would…

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You Make Me Nervous

My hair always goes limp in the heat. My hair sticks to my forehead and the sweat makes my roots curly. I was trying to fix this as I walked through the blisteringly hot streets of Bushwick. There was a mixture of smells in the air, an overpowering and lingering smell of garbage and a…

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Sex And Control

My online presence makes sex a bit of a minefield. There’s nothing worse than asking your hook up to hand you a towel and he says, ‘it’s so weird to finally be in the room I’ve seen on instagram so much.’ I mean seriously, it makes me want to scream GET OUT MY HOUSE. It’s…

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