fuck it

I’ve cried everyday for the last month. I’m fucking exhausted. Thinking about him, thinking about us. Thinking about what could’ve been. Thinking about what was. Questioning his motives. Questioning mine. Facing the fear that nobody will ever truly love me for me because I’ll never reach the unattainable goal of being the person I’ve created…

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I Don’t Exist Again

I’d been out partying all night, two new friends were visiting Berlin, and during their visit we’d all hooked up now and then. One of them invited me back to his hotel a couple of times, but I politely refused because I simply didn’t feel ready to share a bed with someone. The last night…

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Transient Love

I miss you so much And we haven’t yet met My patterns laid out I know what to expect The last one was proof Of this horrible truth That living with love Is less likely than loss He was beauty & kindness enjoyed with a blindness To obvious outcomes I ignored with inertness So I…

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Come back to bed

Lover, please come back to bed. Remember all those things you said? The promise you’s and see you soons. The beating hearts in distant rooms? I know it’s not ideal or fun But think of all the things to come So take my hand while I am near Come back to bed, I’ll be right…

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Love is Love is Pain

Love hurts so much. I love love. That’s what a therapist once told me. I love loving things. I love art. I love beauty. I love people. I love love. It’s a blessing and a curse I guess. I fall in the hole of love so quickly. I miss the first step, fall down a…

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Copenhagen

Copenhagen   His face, held in my hands. Nose to nose. His eyes so close. The warmth I feel, my heart stands still, and my head,  for just a moment. As if nothing exists, just him and I, a breath between us. His smile. Just slight. It’s bright and yet it fills me with a…

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My Social Anxiety

I knew it was going to make me sick. With every sip I thought about my health and the following day. The risk didn’t outweigh the torment of the social anxiety I would feel turning up to a house party full of Strangers for pre-drinks. I drank so I could become someone else. Someone who…

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The 8 Instructions

I’d just moved into my new accommodation after a last minute extended trip here in Berlin. It was the first time I’d been alone in a while so I sat down and opened Grindr. We all know those kind of nights. I got chatting to a few guys but overall nothing really took my fancy…

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The Shop Fire

I opened my emails to do the hourly ritual amongst friends of discreetly checking your updates incase anything important lies amongst the nonsense that might need your attention. I scroll through and come across an email from PayPal – ‘Your Account Has Been Limited’. My heart sunk and I started shaking. Everything around me blurred…

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The Show Must Go On

I feel a rare sense of relief when I am on the brink of being sacked from a job. I have a serious dislike for authority, and mixed into a cocktail with my anger for mistreatment, injustice, and generally bad organisation or unnecessary wasting of my time, and I’m like a Catherine Wheel at a…

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My New Friend, Liam

I got back to my hotel room after a really long day of rehearsals. I felt totally drained and mentally exhausted after a day of nonsensical tomfoolery you find on a rehearsal set for a commercial involving large groups of dancers. It all felt so pointless and wasteful, of money, talent, and time. I’d set…

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It’s Over

As I looked down at his face straining to squeeze all of my cock into his mouth, I knew it was over. I’d been seeing my ex on and off again for a while. We’d be going for dinner and hanging out, and it’d been really sweet, same as usual, tactile and loving. Same conversations,…

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The Weinstein Trigger

These recent Weinstein revelations had me thinking about sexual harassment, assault, and rape, and how it can happen so subtly that you don’t even realise it’s happening until it’s already too late to defend yourself. Women have had to deal with this treatment for centuries, it’s something I know most of the women in my…

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陰茎

My downfall My living My distraction’s not forgiving An existence I battle it’s my core that you rattle I live through your needs Your skin and your seeds an addiction I see In you and in me The choices I make I despair and I ache After you’ve partied And ate all the cake I’m…

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A Dancer

The future of an ex dancer is a blurry one. We slowly stop using the muscles that pushed the skeleton to deform itself, and when we stop using them the way we trained them to work, they atrophy, and the bones no longer have the support to hold the deformity. People see dancers as dreamers,…

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Real Life

Last night, shortly after I went to bed I woke up to horrendous stomach cramps. I was curled up in a ball on my bed wondering what drug I could take to ease the pain. I popped a couple of paracetamol, an omeprazole and even considered taking a tramadol. All respect for dignity went out…

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The Funny Affair

After arriving in Barcelona, to my beautiful apartment in Eixample, I was excited. Excited to see the city, visit the beach, taste the food, but mainly, taste the men. After a few days at my new place, a cute local boy offered to come over and make me food at my place. He introduced me…

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Unbeautiful

Never have I felt beautiful. I think the last time I truly ever believed that I was beautiful was when I was 12 years old. A picture of me smiling, happy, before I started puberty. The innocence of youth beaming in my face. I think I looked pretty. From there it seemed to go downhill,…

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Experiment

You see this? This is an experiment  All gaze on me To the detriment  Living in the lens  Is an element  Of the 80s  And the millennium  You can judge the things you see It’s a relationship between you & me Just know that I see the things that you see The judgement is a…

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Shower

Cold water running in my veins At least that’s what they say I run the heat to hide my face Re-energise the snails pace A coffee, love, can hold me dear But hot waters always running near A quiet trickle, sliding through My body’s always thanking you I feel it washing over me Through my…

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Mine

(feat. in the new film ‘Mine’ shown in the ‘art films’ members area) The valleys and the waterfalls The rivers and the lakes The rough parts and the smooth parts And the filling in the cakes I lick my lips and feel the surface The imperfections over For bits of me will drop & fall…

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La La Life

After dealing with the nerves of ordering a glass of red wine for myself, and then battling my internal social issues to make my way through the bar to take a seat by myself, I’m now in a safe place. Sat, on my phone, drinking wine. Not making human interaction. As alone as I would…

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LA – The Outpatient

Written in Starbucks – West Hollywood – October 2015. I think if I stayed in LA for long enough my brain would atrophy or I would develop an insidious mental illness. Before I came here I was on my travels to New York. A journey to escape heartache, as one does, jumping on a plane,…

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You Make Me Nervous

My hair always goes limp in the heat. My hair sticks to my forehead and the sweat makes my roots curly. I was trying to fix this as I walked through the blisteringly hot streets of Bushwick. There was a mixture of smells in the air, an overpowering and lingering smell of garbage and a…

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Do I or Don’t I?

I always have a tonne of inner conflict. It’s why I’ve never committed to getting a tattoo or a dog. I change my mind so often and spend a lot of my time alone overthinking all my life decisions and send myself into a state of mania. When I started this site I had a…

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Sex And Control

My online presence makes sex a bit of a minefield. There’s nothing worse than asking your hook up to hand you a towel and he says, ‘it’s so weird to finally be in the room I’ve seen on instagram so much.’ I mean seriously, it makes me want to scream GET OUT MY HOUSE. It’s…

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